Sometimes, it doesn’t take much to shoot a hole on your confidence.
So, given what has happened to me this year, it is hardly that surprising that I have started to suffer a crisis of confidence.
What with the cancer diagnosis and regular surveillance that stretches out into the dark future, I suppose it is no wonder that I feel low and unsure of myself.
Add a good dollop of sarcoidosis and intermittent depression into the mix and you can see why my confidence has taken a knock of late.
A Friend’s Crisis of ConfidenceA good friend of mine recently called me to chew the fat and, during our conversation, admitted that he was suffering in the confidence stakes, which prompted me to realise that so was I. It is partially a problem of my own making, my own design, as I have allowed myself inch by careless inch to get well and truly stuck in a rut. My self-confidence has never been great to be honest but now I find myself worrying about the future and whether or not I will be up for the challenge.
My son’s longer-term prospects are really troubling me at the moment, accentuated by the doubts about my own survival chances. Yes, as everyone reminds me, nobody knows what will happen to their kids or how they will turn out, but whereas most parents know things will probably be OK, this will never be the case for me.
He suffered a traumatic brain injury when he was 14 months old and has been recovering ever since. The upside is that he is not on any medication whatsoever and doesn’t need any specialist intervention such as physiotherapy or speech therapy. However, he is statemented and needs loads of extra help and input at school. I’d say he’s about 18 months or so behind his peers in many areas, but he improves a little every day. His emotions are still playing catch-up and he can struggle to make friends with kids of his own age so his mum and I have to fill the void somewhat.
The worse thing of all is the gnawing uncertainty which eats away at my confidence. Will he take any exams at all? Will he be able to hold down a job? Will he form long-lasting relationships? Will he eventually be able to live independently?
My current woes have just compounded my malaise and lack of confidence further. And the fact that my next cancer check-up is looming large. Now, what with my deteriorating health and the impact that it is having on everyone and everything I’m not sure whether I can cope with life’s essentials. OK, I can manage the daily chores – the cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids and so on. It’s more the other lifestuff: work, career, social, love…
I found myself questioning whether I am any good at what I do and will I be able to keep doing it until I retire (If I ever do or can afford to). Should I think about starting a new career even though I’m almost 50? And what career exactly? And what are my employment prospects really like saddled with cancer and sarcoidosis?
How can I revitalise my social life which, in truth, has been in the doldrums for ages? How can I make new friends as I could use a few more?
These are just some of the conundrums I find myself wresting with at the moment.
Life Always Goes On
Whatever happens and whatever I decide, if anything at all, life inevitably creeps on relentlessly, crisis of confidence or not. Unless I decide otherwise of course.
As I get further away from my cancer agony in time, I hope my confidence will be restored and my life can move on and, hopefully, flourish. Even though I am trying hard to be as positive as possible, perhaps all I need is a a little confidence boost; some unexpected good news or a new opportunity. Something from out of left-field.
Yet, whilst most people suffer their fair share of bad luck whilst enjoying equal amounts of the good stuff, I only seem to attract the former in copious amounts. While you may think I am guilty of wallowing in self-pity, I can honestly say that I’m not. Rather, it is merely how I feel when I reflect on how my life has floundered from day one. It seems to me to be a statement of fact.
Well, confidence comes and confidence goes. And it is up to me to turn things around, for sure.
But, more than anything, I could really use a change of luck for once.